India's other ‘Golden Triangle’

For five weeks now, we have been travelling all over India, this fascinating, noisy and crazy subcontinent. India - it brings to mind the mighty Taj Mahal, unimaginable crowds in Delhi, traffic chaos at ordinary crossroads, the lavish and legendary palaces in Jaipur, the always friendly delivery boy from the ‘Indian’ next door (Swaad in Müngersdorf, we won't forget you), perhaps also images of overcrowded trains. Probably the most famous tourist route is the so-called Golden Triangle, which connects Delhi, Jaipur and Agra (Taj Mahal). This is also where we spotted the most western tourists (wearing shorts and crop tops, of course).

But there is another golden triangle that every western backpacker will encounter in one way or another on their trip to India, which is at least as spicy, authentic and pure Indian.

When I think back to the first six months of our trip around the world, it was a well-planned and largely problem-free holiday through various parts of the world, which differed in terms of landscape and culture, but we got on pretty well everywhere. So the moment when we set foot on Indian soil for the first time five weeks ago was all the more shocking. We were given lots of tips and good advice in advance - because India is not for everyone. Firstly, there was the heat to contend with. But as we were prebaked by the Australian summer oven, this shouldn't be a problem. Furthermore, Indian food will be spicy, so much so that it brings tears to your eyes, which then at least add salt to the food. We were also very well prepared for this, have we already eaten in at least two Indian restaurants in advance of the trip (‘Mango chicken, no spicy please’) and tried our way through the naan collections there.

But what we can recognise and learn to respect as a real challenge when travelling through India as Westerners can be summarised under the following ‘golden triangle’:

Indian cutlery - Indian sink - Indian toilet

Let's start with the Indian cutlery. There is none. You eat with your hand. Full stop, that's it.

Okay, not so fast. We also eat our German bread by hand, and the very brave even put their slice of mountain cheese on with their hand instead of the cheese knife (what else is it for?). We should actually be able to do that. On our very first day in Kerala, we were confronted with Indian - i.e. non-existent - cutlery. Luckily we ordered dosa, similar to French crepe. A few glances to the right and left, simply form a scoop with the dosa crepe dough and scoop up the sauce. It didn't work out too badly. For more soupy dishes, we were given a spoon, which we of course used for a different purpose and used as a knife and fork.

A few days later, the culture shock.We were eating a paneer butter masala with our spoons when my eyes fell on a young couple at the next table who had been served a large plate of rice and something curry-like.They both immediately began to skilfully bury their hands in their supper, massaging the curry into their skin and mixing everything so well that you could easily have mistaken their fingers for pieces of chicken.I thought I'd be in a dream. Then I looked at my plate. My paneer cheese in the reddish curry sauce looked at me seductively and whispered softly: ‘Touch me! Touch me!’ I quickly hit it with my spoon, put on my blinkers and continued eating quickly, lost in thought.

Over the next few weeks, we were able to get a better overview of the fact that many Indians also prefer spoons, but you always see them eating by hand. Indian sinks are always available in every dining area, which is perfect for the next corner of the other 'golden triangle'.

It's actually a normal sink, which doesn't look any different from any other sink. You turn the tap (instead of flipping it up) and supposedly fresh water rinses off the fingers that are to be used for stirring and spooning (before eating) and the fingers that have just been used (after eating). Supposedly fresh, of course. This water is the mother of all evil of the almost infinite variety of Indian germs that can spoil your holiday for anything from a day to a month. So don't get anything in your wounds or mouth... Erm, did the man opposite just gargle the water?

Perhaps Indian bodies are more accustomed to it and therefore get less diarrhoea. In fact, we have heard that this is only partly true and that many Indians simply struggle through and are used to a slight stomach rumbling. Not so nice when this is part of everyday life.

Now continue with the hand washing process. Soaps are usually even on hand. Hand soaps. Firm hand soaps. Which were used by the food fingers of the hundred predecessors. Just another of the many fascinating Indian hygienic dilemmas to clean your hands with dirty water and dirty soap.

So, hands are ‘clean’, dry off somewhere? No towels of course (probably better that way). My gaze wanders to my new shirt over my already dirty trousers. There was still room on my hips between the other stains. Over the weeks, we have also developed a sophisticated shaking technique that Dyson would like us to patent.

Was that a bit of an exaggeration, the Indian sink? I forgot to mention that the waste water pipe is a simple hose that simply spreads the contents on the floor, whereupon it then finds its way into the drain at the other end of the room or the street... Watch out, feet up!

And then there is the little incidental peculiarity of Indian toilets. Here in South East Asia, there is another type of toilet that can be described as the ‘hole in the floor’. You go into the cubicle and always initially think (even after five weeks) that they have forgotten the loo, until you identify the hole in the floor as a squat toilet. Sometimes there are even ceramic grooves where you can place your feet to prevent them from slipping. This process is said to be healthier because... erm, well, just google it.

The big question that arises for me (and certainly for every Westerner) is how to wipe your bum afterwards. With toilet paper? How naive, there isn't any. What's with the shower head at knee height? Okay, you've seen it in documentaries before. I don't want to go into too much detail. But how are you supposed to spray your bum so that you're clean again, and especially without getting all your clothes wet? Especially as you would have to spray upwards.

After several weeks, what happens in Indian toilets before and after us is still a mystery. I have already used the shower head a few times... to rinse my feet, which were dirty from the road dust, and it worked very well, the jet was very precise. That's already an indication. The fact that the floor of Indian toilets is usually completely rinsed and the seat bowl is dripping with water also means that not all Indians are so precise. Leah has heard that Indians undress completely, but due to the lack of coat hooks we have ruled this out. And even if they did, you would have to dry yourself with something before getting dressed, does every Indian always have a towel in their trouser pocket? Then there's the evil left hand. We were instructed not to shake hands or eat with our left hand. But we just can't imagine turning our hand into reusable toilet paper, especially Leah as a left-hander. We prefer to hoard all the toilet paper we can find and are even starting to use it as a currency of exchange among tourists, hiding a few ‘notes’ everywhere, in the camera bag, in our rucksacks and in our trousers, in case we need to go quickly.

In any case, this other ‘golden triangle’ (Leah actually wanted to call it the ‘brown triangle’) is a real challenge that takes time to adapt to. The nasty thing is that all these elements are interdependent. After going to the loo, you would like to wash your hands - regardless of whether you use your left hand or toilet paper. At least so that you can use your dosas or naans as the non-existent cutlery again. And all this with the knowledge that all the plates and surfaces (as well as yourself in the shower) have only been cleaned with this dirty germ water in the first hand. Sometimes I miss Germany.